Finding A Way
Finding a way to live with grief is unique. We can all share experiences with grief that strike a chord with others but the whole experience is personal.
I observed a young mother whose husband had died, explaining to a teenager that her grief would always be with her. It won't grow or lessen but evolve. He asked for words he could say that might help and her reply was, 'Just talk to me, as I have spent months watching people cross the street because they don't know what to say.'
Speaking to people still in shock, recently bereaved and finding their way can only come from the heart. Everyone is different and giving people time to muster their thoughts and responses during a conversation helps. It's not about the right words to say, and more about keeping things straight forward, and kind.
Grief is exhausting and there may well have been several months or years of trauma leading up to this point, so being worn out and feeling overwhelmed are common.
Most of us are naturally kind, so saying 'This might not be the right thing to say or the right word' is alright, because the spaces within the conversation can help those involved to find their way. Everyone reacts differently given the situation and circumstances at any given moment. As someone finds their way with grief, exploring how they need to be treated is alright as they may not know themselves.
A lady whose husband had passed after a lifetime of marriage was being supported by her adult children. Mum was being coaxed into thinking that life moves on, certain stories needed to be dropped from her conversation and she had to find a way forward. It's early days for her. We talked about things not being measured in time and how grief creates a vacuum that applies pressure to be filled. There is no rush here. Hitting the pause button is wise, so she doesn't have to rush into anything, as she doesn't have the emotional energy to think of practical ways forward yet, never mind being able to put them into practice. She needs people to listen, lovingly, and without trying to tidy anything up. Life is messy and so is grief and people grieving together may have different ways of dealing with it which can add complications.
There is no right or wrong in finding a way with grief. It's not about finding a way through but adjusting, adapting and giving the situation time to evolve without pressure.
A blank canvas with unfamiliar paints needs the grace of time.